Saturday, July 18, 2015

An Open Letter to Florida Tourists....Especially Canadians - From a Floridian

Dear Florida Tourists, especially Canadians,

     Look people, it's not that we don't want you here, it's just that we prefer that when your plane lands in Florida whether it's Orlando, Tampa, Miami etc., that you don't get off the plane unless it's for a layover. And only get off the plane if it's to treat yourself to some Starbucks or a $23 magazine about kitties.

Image result for angry family at Disney world

     You want to go to DisneyWorld? Man that shit is overrated, think of it as the most expensive county fair you've ever been to, except there is no chili cook-off, that's right people from Upper Michigan, no chili cook-off, and somewhere around 250 to 1,000 people get killed on rides every year at Disney World, yup, that place is fucked, so don't bring Aunt Trudy and Grandma Baxter here, unless you want to be responsible for a cotton candy overdose, imagine living with that guilt.

Very typical day at the beach in Florida, happens so much they stopped reporting it.

     Maybe the beach is your scene, perhaps you want to go surfing or check out the bikini babes....again so untrue, this guy and people like him are at the beach every day, and whether you like it or not, they're going to stop you to tell you how the shellfish 'round here just ain't what it used to be, and if you go surfing, I hope you can swim fast, down here we have sharkapotomuses, that's a hybrid of a shark and a hippo created in a lab and then escaped, now the beaches are flooded with them, as a matter of fact this was the last photo taken of this poor tourist right before a sharkapotomus ran on shore and ripped his vertebrae out of his body, so yeah the beach might not be for you.

Oh, and did I mention it's illegal to carjack residents, however, it's perfectly legal and broadly encouraged by law enforcement to carjack tourists, as a matter of fact, the cops carjack people more than anyone down here. Thinking about going to Sea World? Well, you can't swim with the dolphins if you have a full body cast caused by 38 kicks to the stomach and a massive concussion caused by a steel night stick!

So I guess what I'm saying is....don't fucking come here.

Warmest regards,

Emil Elm

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